If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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