I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
