Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
someone owes me an orgasm
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
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I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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