it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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