I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
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She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
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I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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