I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
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I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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