"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
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i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
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im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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