For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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