we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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