It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
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I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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