I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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