her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
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This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
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Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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