they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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