it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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