If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
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Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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