I could have mohawked her pubes.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
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You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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