Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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