Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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