It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
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I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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