I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
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you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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