This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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