and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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