my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
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Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
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We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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