I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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