Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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