So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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