Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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