He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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