Can i not drive my cunt home
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize