Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
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I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
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Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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