I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
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I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I will pee on everything he values.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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