Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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