paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
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If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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