i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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