i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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