i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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