What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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