I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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