to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
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When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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