today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
