Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
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Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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