I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize