ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize