So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
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the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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