i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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