burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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