I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
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She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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