I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
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I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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