He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
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Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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