And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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